life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
