He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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