I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
