Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
