I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She swung at the pinata with crutches
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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