she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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