I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
we're making bets on your personal life
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
