saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Randomize
