I can text with my tongue
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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