I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
