apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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