just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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