Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
the raccoons are back...
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