I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Randomize
