I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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