He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
