when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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