im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
the liver wants what the liver wants
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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