I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
