four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
