Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Randomize
