I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My breasts were aching with rage.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
