I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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