And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
