Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
