I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
