In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
