i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
