What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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