that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
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