my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
