I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
