i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
