Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
