I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Randomize
