Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
