You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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