My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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