how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Even my vagina gasped.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
