found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
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