i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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