one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Just invented taco cereal.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
