The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
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