if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
