i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Boobs are out for the taking
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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