I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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