I faked an abortion last night.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
