The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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