I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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