Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
