i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
